Fashion No-Fly List
Fashion dos and dont’s, hits and misses, best and worst dressed. Every fashion magazine, at one point or another, publishes a list – and they all should. Why? To keep you from looking like a schmuck? To get you to buy new stuff and donate your old clothes to charity? To give you a reason to buy their magazine? Maybe all of the above.
Having taken a look at a few of the lists for FW10, I felt that there were some crucial sartorial elements missing. So in an effort to do my part in helping you not look like a schmuck, getting you to donate your stuff to Goodwill, convincing you to help boost the economy, and getting you to visit my blog – here is my Top 5 Fashion No-Fly List.
1. Faded Blue, Baggy, Button-Flapped, and Ragged Jeans (or any combination thereof)
If you have a pair of faded blue jeans that resemble any shade of the daytime sky, lose them. When I see guys in faded blue jeans, I can’t help but think of my teachers on casual Fridays, Lee Majors in the Fall Guy, Eurotrash pop singers, and that skid row rocker kid who bullied everyone back in high school. While on the subject of jeans, no matter what colour they are, get rid of the baggy bell-bottomed or bootcut Kris Kross jeans as well. Start with the faded blue ones.
Jeans with button-flapped back pockets are not only ugly and done to death in America, they are a pain in the ass to wear. Not sure if the idea behind them is to keep you safe from pick-pockets or what, but the buttons often get stuck in-between chairs or snagged in door handles tearing the shit out of your expensive jeans. True Religion Brand Jeans might be the worst of the lot. In addition to ugly oversized flaps, the large white contrast stitch, and bagginess they make you look like Howdy Doody. Finally, distressed jeans with a hole or tear here and there look great. That being said, looking like you’ve just narrowly escaped a pit bull attack is another story.
2. Square-Toed Shoes, Super Pointy-Toed Shoes, and Crocs
This season, you want your footwear to be somewhere in between squared-toed and pointy-toed. I’ve never been a fan of either and have always opted for a more timeless classic-shaped toe. Squared-toed footwear makes me cringe. If you choose to wear them, risk looking like a thug. Leave the pointy-toed shoes to Santa’s elves, the Leningrad Cowboys, and the Guidos. As for Crocs, stay away from creepy people who wear these.
3. Baggy Suits
Baggy clothes in general should be avoided this season. Trim, non-pleated, streamlined, two-buttoned two-piece and three-piece suits are the way to go. Note how the gentleman in the photo above looks sloppy and disheveled in his 90s NBA influenced baggy suit. More on suits in a future post.
Argyle, as an acquaintance of mine once put it, ‘is the struggling straight man’s attempt at adding colour to his wardrobe’. A little harsh, but point well taken. This pattern was played out a few seasons ago. Give your old argyle sweaters to your grandpa. You can buy new ones in a few years when argyle makes its comeback.
5. Tattooed Print T-Shirts and Caps
Oh, how I loathe skin tight clothing that looks like its covered in tattoos. Enough to make a graffitied subway jealous, Ed Hardy and Affliction designer T-shirts and caps will go down as the MC Hammer pants of our decade. Do not donate or throw away. Burn them with a priest or rabbi present.
So there you have it boys, my Top 5 Fashion No-Fly List for FW10. Honourable no-fly mentions to obnoxious bling and anything bejeweled or bedazzled. Also, unless you’re the Hulkster or a MMA champion, your belt should not have an oversized gold or silver logo for a buckle. Am I missing anything? Agree or disagree? Would love to hear from you in the comments below. Happy donating, happy shopping!